I feel it all the time. I feel it when I absorb my
friend's sadness too easily as my own, or when I get easily emotional over
movies. I feel it especially when others call me "too soft", when they give me
(well intended) advice that if I think with my heart too much, I wont survive. I am also painfully aware how I tend to listen intently
before I speak, to be mindful of what I say because I know just how much power
words carry. I cannot make impromptu jokes or say immediately what is on my mind, I am definitely not what you would call a 'fun' person unless our friendship has reached that stage where I am comfortable enough to express anything.
Long story short, I just feel too deeply and think too much.
And maybe they are right. Maybe the ones who naturally process the
world with logic, and see connections as transactions win at life. People who does things strategically and knows how to play the field. For a while now until recently , Ive been prioritizing using logic over emotions for too long when
making decisions in life that it has been ingrained in my head.
"Logic over emotion."
As if by verbalizing it enough I could somehow change the footprint of my
DNA, as if I could change the way my brain processes the world. I am beginning to realize the only thing I
have control over is the way I choose to act.
On good days it works and I go to bed happy.
Some days it is an uphill battle, when what you say contradicts what you truly feel.
When " that hurt my feelings" becomes "it does not bother me" and " I dont think this is right" turns to " stop being too sensitive".
On bad days I feel like I am losing myself.
But now that I am older (and hopefully wiser) I find myself more inclined to just embrace this side of me. Maybe its the age factor but more than anything else I dont have the energy to care anymore - I just want a peaceful life.
I am at that stage of life where I am happy with where I am now, the people I have now, and excited at what is to come. I dont feel the need to "win" at life, as long as I am constantly growing and improving. If that meant embracing vulnerability and not shying from feeling too much, then so be it.
Honestly from the bottom of my heart I dont have the energy left to care or feel otherwise.
I will always be tired of crying easily over sad commercials but I will always be thankful for the same sensitivity that fuels my creativity. I will always be tired of being too empathetic to a fault but I will always be thankful for the ability to connect easily with others on a deep level, and for the connections I have cultivated because of that.
As me and my friends like to say, "choose your hard".
