on friendship

Life lately has been a blend of nesting, embracing challenges, preparing for a new chapter, slowing down, and spending more time reflecting. 

Looking back, I realize I haven't done much reflecting this year at all. It's been one major milestone after another.. moving from one chapter to the next, experiencing big moments and significant changes without really stopping to process them. No pauses, just events after events after events. Now that I've officially entered my third trimester and stepped into my nesting era, I finally have the time and space to do just that. 

This chapter has made me deeply appreciative of having support systems. Even though I tend to retreat inward and unintentionally distance myself from others at times, they remained present. And for that, I'll always be grateful. Pregnancy is a beautiful journey but when everything is so new it can become overwhelming.

On the note of friendship, I had a recent conversation with a friend (helloo S bby) about how as we get older, friendships get so much harder to be effortless. How we need to be more intentional in keeping in touch. Everyone is just not at the same timeline and chapters in life anymore. I used to have one definition of friendship and apply it to everyone. I believed a friend should always meet certain standards and expectations. Over time, though, I’ve realized that friendships can serve different purposes, and that’s perfectly okay. Some friends are the people you have deep conversations with, the one you know you can count on anytime of the day, while others are simply great company for brunch, hobbies, or specific stages of life. I think I used to expect too much from people, now I understand that not everyone has the same capacity and that doesn’t make them bad friends. This may be common sense to a lot of people but personally It took me a while to learn.

 Learning to appreciate people for what they are has helped me let go of unnecessary disappointment. 

What I have learnt is connection isn't something I can force or even want to force.  If we click, we click. I'm not the type to go out of my way to pursue friendships just for the sake of having more friends. In fact, I get uncomfortable if someone crosses my personal bubble when I feel like we dont know each other that well yet. But when I do meet someone I genuinely connect with they will definitely know because I'm the type to actively pursue that person. 

To the few people in my life that I hold close to heart, my ride or dies, I may not be the most affectionate person in your life, I may not have a way with pretty words and the talent to broadcast my love out loud, but know that when you are part of my small inner circle I will back you up when you need support, protect your name when you are not at the table, be your 24/7 support system and donate my kidney without a second thought. 

 life lately ; navigating big emotions, new milestones and nourishing my body to grow life

Since I hardly link this page anywhere, it’s always pleasantly surprising to notice steady visitors in my statistics. I prefer to think that those who stumble upon this page do so for a reason .. not to pry into my life, as I rarely share personal stuff, but to gain a new perspective from another human being. 

So with that, I thought I’d share my 5 pregnancy rating. Rated in difficulty level.

1. IVF - 4/10 because the whole process turned out to be more straightforward and easier than I expected. With the exception of egg retrieval process because that was one experience I would not wish on anyone. I would say the most emotionally draining part of IVF was the waiting game. 

2. Morning sickness - 1000/10 it was all day sickness 24/7, felt a lot like losing myself and being trapped in my own body. It made me think about how incredibly tough this experience must be for people who didn’t plan for pregnancy. I had to pause work, cancel plans with friends, and all day all week for months I couldn’t eat without vomiting. I was later diagnosed with HG, which eventually landed me in the hospital for three days of IV drips just to recover. I genuinely hope TM2 will be much better for me

3. Unsolicited advice from people gets a 1/10 from me. We are entitled to our own opinions and if its coming from someone I dont feel close to personally, I don’t care much about it and I don’t let it affect me.

4. Fatigue and energy levels were about 6/10. For a few weeks, I really struggled to function normally or wake up early. I’m usually not someone who takes naps, but during that time I couldn’t help it. It made me feel quite unproductive and strangely empty.

5. Trying to find comfortable clothes was about 5/10 in difficulty. My usual clothes slowly stopped feeling comfortable in the stomach area, so I had to start looking for pieces that were softer and roomier.

.from the archives

A few years back, I read Michelle Obama’s Becoming, and I remember a chapter touching on the topic of infertility . I breezed through the pages without giving it much weight, still blissfully unaware that in the near future her words would hit much closer to home. 

Back then, standing inside my own version of that experience, I truly understand how isolating it can feel. So much of it happens quietly and alone. I dont feel like oversharing so I wont dwell on too much details, but I try to meet the chapter with as much grace as possible ... But I remember thinking what a privilege it is to live in a modern world where challenges like this no longer feel like the end of the road. I don’t take it for granted, ever. 

And now, with all my dreams answered and waiting period over, I find myself in a new kind of disbelief

The very thing I once longed for is now quietly unfolding inside me, and somehow, I’m still unprepared and overwhelmed by it. No one really talks about this part. The part where joy and fear sit side by side. And yes, the nausea. The pure never-ending exhaustion that feels like it seeps into my bones. The way somedays I dont feel like myself at all anymore. Hobbies on halt, creative work on pause, favourite foods gone. The guilt of feeling so awful and 'negative' instead of being grateful. The loneliness because none of my close friends are at the same stage of life. 

Some days I’m overwhelmed with gratitude. Other days I’m overwhelmed, period. But that is life, it comes in seasons and right now that might be nesting and resting for me before the chaos. right now Im just allowing myself to feel every emotions with as much steadiness as I can find. 

on another note, it truly surprised me even after long stretches of not updating this page, my views are still consistent as ever. 

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There is something special about a kitchen in the morning light that feels sacred. The kind of special that welcomes you with the smell of something warm on the stove, with the promise of good food and even better conversations.

I had one of those days today, catching up with a long distance friend. Instead of rushing through plans, we stayed in. And we talked. 

I’m not sure why something so simple lingered with me that I have to blog about it, but it did. Maybe that’s the point. Connection doesn’t have to be loud or flashy to matter. Sometimes the quietest moments leave the deepest impression.

If I have 5 lives

 In my first life, I would give myself the permission to chase my passion fully. I’d be a freelance photographer specifically based in Paris, living in a small but bright and airy apartment with tall windows that let in lots and lots of morning light. I’d spend my days wandering cobblestone streets with a camera around my neck, learning how to capture chemistry of couples and just the soul of a city in every frame.There would be wine at breakfast if I felt like it, croissants still warm from the boulangerie across my apartment, and afternoons spent editing photos in a cozy café or room balcony. I’d dedicate this life to build a name for myself, to sharpen my craft every single day. No other obligations but this. In this life, my heart would belong fully and truly to the pursuit of honing my art. Maybe I would learn to embody the art of slowing down and just be, because this life does not revolve around fixed schedules or productivity. 

In my second life, I would dedicate myself to the journey of traveling. I would be a digital nomad, wandering the world with no ties, no attachments, no responsibilities or connections anchoring me in one place. No guilt of disappearing for years in the journey of learning new cultures. In this life, every day would be a discovery. I’d collect pieces of culture the way I would usually collect makeup or fashion, because in this life I dont focus on how I look like and what I wear. I wouldn’t cling to people or places, just a solo traveller enjoying broadway shows, hiking mountains, learning new traditions, surfing the seas, exploring famous cafes and eating new dishes everyday. And in that true sense of detachment, I find my freedom.

In my third life, I would be a girl like Jonna Jinton - ethereal, grounded in nature, and living in the beautiful woods in the north of Sweden. Somewhere so far away from cities, somewhere the stars still burn bright against the night sky and the seasons shape the rhythm of life. My days would be simple. I’d wake to mist rolling over the forest and walk barefoot in the morning light through dew-soaked grass. I would have a farm to table concept, collect my own honey and fruits, and adopt an old dog as my companion. I would study the stars and connect deeply with the woods. Evenings will be filled with the sound of fire crackling in a humble cottage, a book in hand, under the bedsheets while rain pours down by the window. (think: twilight saga vibes). Solitude wouldn’t feel like loneliness, but a special kind of intimacy with the universe itself. I would create art and music not for recognition, but as an outlet. In this life, I would be my highest spiritual and grounded self and dedicate time to study about legends and myths and folklore. 

In my fourth life, I would choose stability. Just a quiet, steady life built on love and family. I would live in a sunlit holiday beach house every summer (like tsitp), with hydrangeas and windows always open to the sea breeze. Where the sound of waves would be the backdrop to our days. The house itself would feel like a sanctuary.  Only on this life, I would be a wife, mother, daughter, friend. I would have something anchoring me to a place. I would have people depend on me. This life would not be about chasing the extraordinary, but about cherishing the ordinary: from morning coffees to heartfelt dinners, the comfortable routine of life. It would be a life of connection, surrounded by friends and families, going for weekly brunches and gatherings. Safety and stability runs the rhythm of this life. 

But we don’t have four extra lives to live, and  I only have this one ..  this life where all those dreams collide and merge into each other. This is the fifth life I am living, a combination of the four lives I yearn for but never quite experiencing the whole scope of it. I taste a little of each dream but never the whole. And sometimes, the potential of it hurts. But to dedicate and align my life to just one of those four paths would mean tearing away pieces of the others, sacrificing the fragments I hold now ; the friendships, the adventures and lessons, the small milestones I’ve built. And I cannot do that. 

But maybe this is what life is: never perfectly what we want, but pieces of everything we long for, a kaleidoscope of things that makes up who we are and what our lives will be like. A patchwork of my dreams combined and strung into this tapestry.

And maybe in this life, (quoting Hannah Montana), I will get the best of b̶o̶t̶h̶ four worlds.

On life in the late twenties

They say something changes when you start to leave your early twenties behind. A shift in mindset, the sudden realisation of "this doesnt align with me anymore". There is just somehow less uncertainty and less experimenting. Now that I am approaching late twenties, the pace feels different. Let me try to make sense of it all and compartmentalize through writing. 

1. Growth is not measured by how much I can do anymore

But rather, how aligned I feel with my own values.  And with that- another challenge is to first identify my own values. In my early twenties I realise I unconsciously borrow values from peers, cultures, conditioning. But now I often find myself thinking - what do I truly feel about this? What actually matters to me, beyond expectation and noise? What kind of person do I want to be?  This search does not come overnight. It took lots of selfhelp/educational books, long stretches of quiet thinking, conversations with like minded friends, podcasts from people I admire and strive to be, and years of trying to separate who I truly am from what ive been unconsciously performing. It is a long game and I am still in it.

2. Boundaries are a form of self- respect

A recent conversation with a friend (hii K) made me realize just how much Ive unconsciously allowed people to step over boundaries in the past - and to be honest even until today im struggling with this. It wasnt always intentional and I dont always realise this. But tldr I no longer feel guilty about stepping back when something doesnt sit right with me, or call people out when I feel boundaries are crossed. Self love sometimes mean distance, and that is okay! Its never about bitterness, just protecting my peace. I used to think I needed a wide circle but more than ever, I feel like a few close genuine friends are more than enough. 

3. Healing is messy 

Do I sound entitled if I talk about healing? After all, my life is more than fine, I live pretty comfortably,  I havent gone through any big visible traumas.. But here is the thing - we are all human. And being human means facing life challenges, disappointments and even unconscious wounds that quietly shape us. I think almost everyone has been through a situation that causes psychological or physiological impact, no matter the extent. And it is important to go thread carefully and be intentional with what you decide to do. 

That is what I meant by 'healing'. Its not about escape trips or soundbaths or meditation apps (lol says me who just went on a healing trip doing exactly this). It is not escaping reality and going to a new environment where there is no triggers. Most of the time its just messy and unglam. It looks like sitting with ugly feelings, confronting the parts and patterns of myself I would rather avoid and owning up to my bad traits. It means sitting down with a trusted friend and asking for unbiased, straightforward truth. It means continuously working on silent battles, and by doing so I return to my values. How do I want to go by this challenging situation ? In my case I ask myself, "What would Michelle Obama do?" 

But the thing is, I never let a bad messy situation gain the upperhand. In the end I always win. There is always something to gain, something to learn out of a bad day. The things I lost in the journey of healing, i gained tenfold with something that aligns to me. When you face problems head on, you go out from healing stronger and wiser and it made all the messiness of it all feel somehow worth it? 

4. The value of privacy 

Only because in my teenage years to early twenties I often shared so much of myself without even thinking about it - sometimes even with the people who hadnt really earned that level of closeness. 

There was a time I thought openness meant connection, but now I realize not everyone needs access to that. Energy is so expensive and as you get older, you just get tired of expanding it so easily to just anyone. 

And to be honest, I dont really wish for connection in the way I used to. I am perfectly content with the ones I have now. I no longer need to be understood by many, because my inner circle is more than enough. Truthfully, I never cared being misunderstood by people who does not affect my life in any meaningful way. Their ignorance is of no consequence to me heh

 And life feels richer this way ; when dreams grow in silence, healing happens in quiet, milestones are celebrated without being broadcasted, and relationships thrive without outside noise.