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It is the first midnight of the year. Everyone is talking about their future plans and making new resolutions, but tonight I am looking back at the past, homesick for a place that is not home .
I havent thought about Sydney in a while now, but tonight memories of the years living there came crashing down and I am hit with waves of nostalgia. I remember my first year in Sydney, how I immediately fell in love with the city. It was probably the year I was the most independent ever. My first time relying on myself to make sure I eat three meals a day, figuring out the location of all my classes in a massive university, doing my own laundry, cleaning my own room, buying my own groceries. I remember crawling back to bed with a good book and soft music, feeling so happy and grateful just to be in Sydney. I was so easily content with life back then. I was alone but I was not scared because there was no doubt in my head that I could figure out whatever life throws at me.
These are some moments that I look back on and somehow miss the person I was before. Today, I have everything I used to wished for and yet the 2016 me was more contented with life.
( Something completely off the tangent, but do you realise how scary it is that there is more to lose now that you have everything? It is something that I have struggled with a lot, the anxiety of losing everything that I have. I used to think 'gratefulness' is a double edged sword because of that.)
Sydney has been home for 4 years and it will always hold a special place in my heart.
In honor of the new year, Im taking all the lessons learnt, the accumulated growth, knowledge and experiences from all these years and bringing it to full use in 2020. A lot can change in 4 years. People are subject to change, it is inevitable. Personalities change as new perspective is gained, opinions are modified as we face new scenarios. In the end, we outgrow people who are not genuine with us, those who are capable of giving more but decided to be selfish, those who only comes to us in need of help, those who talk the talk but cant walk the talk.
Im not selling myself short anymore.
I know now that everyone is a reflection of their experiences and what they say or do should not be taken personally. I know now that I am resilient and although I can be naive and too trusting, I will still stand on my two feet no matter what life hurdles I face. No matter how much what or who hurts me, no matter how many times I laugh at myself for being too trusting, no matter how many setbacks, disappointments and failures, "I told you so"s, and facing people who thought they could read you just because they can, I know at the end of the day I will still be okay.
May 2020 be better than 2019, because I already know it will x
