As far as I remember I hate the season of waiting. The fear of the unknown or the unexpected paralyses me and consumes my whole head. It is funny how I usually can handle the unexpected much better than I give myself credit for. But the fear of change, the phase where I am acutely aware that things might not ever go back the same way, or not turn out the way I want to, can be very intense and exhausting. This can be related back to at least 80% of my life experiences, from preparing for the day of my presentation (consciously depleting my mental health), preparing for a short ldr from my boyfriend, the days before meeting new people..the list goes on. As you can tell, I am a very anxious person. It baffles me at times because more often than not, I am usually calm and collected when the change takes place. I adapt easily to changes, but I am also a very sentimental person. My adaptability does not mean I welcome changes, although in the end I know I will be better off. And all these times the main way I have been dealing with it was to 'self protect' myself by expect the worse. I used to think that by expecting the worst I would not be vulnerable to hurt, betrayal and disappointed but I quickly realised that while that may be true, I am also letting fear control my life.

Been watching Greys Anatomy and I have been loving all of their episodes. I like movies that I can learn or relate to and the subtle comments made by the characters in the scenes just tugs at my heartstrings lell

Reminder to myself



Dodo appreciation post

As per usual I always have trouble articulating the thoughts in my head. I often struggle with wordings and starting paragraphs to the point where I just put off posts and give up writing altogether. When it comes to my boyfriend, (or rather, writing about him), there is a different sense of difficulty in compressing all my feelings into mere string of sentences. Thinking of Dodo just gave me this overwhelming feeling of happiness, disbelief and total gratitude. 

I dont even know where to begin. All I can say is we complement each other so well and being with Dodo feels so natural and so right it made us laugh at how we used to be just friends, oblivious to the fact that we are so compatible. We joked a lot about how the universe is always conspiring for us to end up together. Just the other day we found photographs of us side by side, barely one years old. Thinking back, our lives had always been aligned to each other's since day one, we are almost always in close proximity. And in a way, as cheesy as it sounds, I like the idea that even nature forces agree that we are meant to be with each other.

Here is the thing about Dodo, he is the best boyfriend I could ever wish for. I can be very petty and moody but he always handles me so well. Once I got so pissy and moody because pms and instead of getting mad for taking it out on him he tried to get me to a petshop to look at dogs! He is also the sweetest ever. But besides that he is also my bestest friend, someone I can talk to about anything, who I can let my guard down, go on dates with no make up on and lazy clothes, complain about life, deep talk about my fears and insecurities, who encourages me to become a better person and someone who makes me feel comfortable and loved in every situation. It also makes me happy how we bring out the best in each other, and how much we have grown as a couple. He makes me the happiest I have ever been.
It also helps how we share the same sense of humor. 

Happy 6th months bebiiii!! Life with you has been so full of love and happiness and I am never taking it for granted ever!  So excited for what is to come,  I love you 


Food for thoughts

I am very much aware that I am an emotional person. Reflecting back on many stuff I think many conflicts could've been avoided if only I did not feel too much and too deeply. With that being said it is tremendously hard for me to change a trait that has been so ingrained in my personality. As an INFJ one of my dominating behavior is to absorb energy from the external environment, and while this allows me to me able to emphasise with others more,  more often than not Im always so drained. Hence I have decided to master the art of detachment from situations and people unless they are part of the circle I care about.
There are very few moments and situations in life that are able to grasp my full attention and have me transfixed. I am still working to live in the present but up to this day I am still constantly worrying and overthinking about future events. Once it got so bad that I was always in a state of anxiety. This is probably why I am always so appreciative and grateful for the moments of tranquility and mindfulness. Today is just one of those days where I get immensely absorbed in a book, transfixed in my revisions and actually being interested to learn, and looking at my pinterest board. Its a good feeling, being so sure of myself and knowing I can handle any obstacles in life no matter how hard they may be. I read in an article once, and it really resonates with me

; in a world full of schemes and changes, it could be so hard to trust, especially not knowing the outcome in the end of it all. But here is the catch, the majority of us have been putting trust in the wrong hands all along. We are all not immune to adversity. And sadly everyone is capable betraying and disappointing. Situations might not work in our favor as well. This is why instead of putting trust in others, or our diplomas, or work, we should put that trust in ourselves and grasp that no matter what we face you will be alright. Trust that you will get back on your feet again.

 I know i am rambling idk what im talking abt too


Writing in such a public space is like threading on a fine line between keeping my life private but still wanting to rant out my feelings. But here goes.
I dont know what it is but there are days I get back home after a seemingly normal day and just felt this huge wave of sadness and the loneliest feeling. It does not come frequently these days but when it does I just feel like burying myself under the blanket, light some candles, turn on my fairylights and watch some tedtalks. Sometimes I feel like maybe one of the reasons I get so tired and drained out is my inability to articulate the thoughts in my head in a coherent manner. I have always been a private person and I am fully aware that everyone has their own outlooks and perspectives of life, and I respect that. I am not the type to always voice out my opinions on things, I'd rather listen to other perceptions and gain a broader and in-depth understanding of the matter. However when put in a position where I had to defend myself, or when I feel that my perspective has been misinterpreted or being taken wrongly, I always fail to project my thoughts in a way that is easy to understand. And it is the saddest feeling, not feeling understood. And after some time you just get used to muffling it down inside and bottling emotions up and most of the time it worked just fine. But then again there are days like these, where you just feel so empty and hollow you are not even sad, just wished the right words could be said to you for once, just wished there is some cure for this lonely cycle.


Congraduations to the love of my life

So surreal that I get to celebrate this special day with you