There is something about newborn life that makes time feel almost cruel.
Today, I looked at my seven-day-old daughters and suddenly realized that their faces have already changed. It has only been a week. A week ago, I was meeting these little faces for the very first time, memorizing every tiny detail even in my *fly state from the epidural* .. the shape of their noses, their sleepy eyes, the little creases in their skin. And somehow, in just a few days, they already look a little different.
I cried because I know this is only the beginning.
Everyone tells you that newborns change quickly, but I don't think you really understand it until you're staring at your own babies and realizing that the version of them you saw yesterday is already gone. And how I want to remember everything. The tiny sounds they make in their sleep. The way their fingers curl around mine. Their little stretches. Their milk-drunk faces. The way they look when they're searching for comfort. Even the things that feel ordinary right now. Because one day, I know I'll look back at photographs of these first days and ache for the babies they were. And already, I miss who they were a few days ago.
Motherhood is beautiful, but there is something just heartbreaking about loving someone through every version of them while knowing you can never keep a single one. Maybe this is why I got into photography, so I can preserve moments and keep them close to heart forever. For the longest time last year, I wondered why things had to happen the way they did. Why IVF. Why the waiting, the uncertainty, the fear, the exhaustion. Why this particular pregnancy. On hard days during pregnancy, even though I hate to admit this, I sometimes wonder, "why two babies?".
And now I look at my daughters and somehow, all of it feels connected. Every choice I made, every turn my life took, every difficult season I went through somehow led me here. I don't know if I believe that everything happens for a reason, Im usually not that dreamy. But looking at my girls, it is hard not to feel like every road was leading me to this veryy moment.
I’m not usually a feelings person. But a week of motherhood has re-ignited something in me that I thought was lost forever. Since pregnancy, I feel like I have unlocked a new version of myself with every stage. Being pregnant changed my body, but it also changed the way I see and process everything. It made me more emotional. More aware of time. More present. More vulnerable. I still dont know if that is a good thing, and probably not. If anything, it makes me feel weak and defenseless because without my usual emotional wall, I feel powerless. Im so used to having a detached demeanor, I love how not a lot of things can faze me because Im simply not an emotional person. I dont feel a lot, and I guess adulting hardens you like that, you learn that not a lot of things is worth worrying over. I was not even nervous for my csection, or when I had my cerclarge surgery. I honestly dont remember the last time I got emotional or overthink over anything - my mantra is basically just try my best and 'so be it'.
But now Im a person who cries just because her babies' faces have changed in a week :)
